Diss or accident?

Its spring break heh finally time to relax and work on what ever I wanna do and hang out and whatever basically XD Life has rather been going on nothing really to look forward too just going on with my days day by day planning what I wanna do but I guess most of my plans consist of me being older and doing what Id like to do in the future. I guess my current things to do is probably get my 4.0 and drop some weight.

Heh so last grading period I got a 3.7 not bad close to a 4.0 but its ok its just a progress report so nothing special. Loosing weight hmm im acctually really determined to drop a lot of weight before senior year starts and I think thats possible im pretty sure it sok to drop a little weight each day.

So I kinda have a irritation going on, at the same time im trying to understand the situation but at the same time it kinda sucks. So let me just say, one of my "best friends" has moved away back to where he was before, before coming to the states and even when he wasnt in the states we still had talked a lot. Now hes back to where he came from and we barly talk and most of the time hes on hes talking to his boyfriend and spending time catching up with him. I understand they had a big thing for each other and still do but It kinda upsets me cause its like wow so am I the back up person to talk to when hes not around thats not cool.

I guess it just bothers me cause ever since you left or even before you left you just always kept contact with him saying your goodbyes when dammit you guys havent even met in person yet. It really bothers me cause its like wow really and you wanna talk to me when hes gone heh thats fucked up.

I kind of understand theres a huge time gap between where we are now and your boy friend lives near me and heh I dont see how its fair you make time to keep contact with him but as for me like im just gone. Idk I think its just sad that im back u pto talk to when hes gone. Im sure you finally found friends you can open up to like you did with me. So I guess your done with me.

I guess it happens but at the same time why did you have to do it to me when you knew I already go through a lot of crap heh I also LOVE how you even admit that you just go on to catch if your boyfriend is on heh what ever. I dont want you to expect me to be there anymore. I really dont, I prefer if you didnt cause Idk ive been trying to drop our friendship for a while now but I keep telling myself that its alright what ever it will get better but it hasnt, its just been boring and I personally dont wanna stick around something/someone that doesnt make me happy :\ Ive grown I didnt fuck up my first semester. heh no offense but wow I seriously cant believe you did that to yourself. I kinda laugh cause it started getting worse when you got with your boyfriend. Heh you seemed fine and ok holding yourself up when school started till HE came along...

What ever as long as your happy I wont bitch after this blog anymore. Im done :\

The contradiction

I found this again I thought id share it

---------------------------------------------
The Greatest Irony Of Love

The greatest irony of love. Loving the right person at the wrong time, Having the wrong person when the time is right, And finding out you love someone right after That person walks out of your life. And sometimes, you think you're already over a person, Until you see them smile at you again, You'll suddenly realize that you're really not. For some, they think that letting go is one way Of expressing how much you love the person, By sacrificing your happiness for theirs, Without realizing that the other person's Doing the same thing for them.

Most relationships tend to fail Not because of the absence of love; Love is always present, It's just that one is being loved too much And the other was being loved too little.
We always fall in love with the person we think we love, Only to discover that what we loved about them fades. Bad experiences are always remembered, But it's the wonderful memories that are captured To remind us that there are brighter days ahead And that happiness exists.

You need to learn to let go when you're hurting too much, Realize that sometimes love just isn't enough And accept the fact that things aren't always going to be the same. There is someone out there who will love you more. It's all the thought you put into your decisions That impairs your judgment When your heart already knows what you need to do.

Sometimes, in our relentless efforts to find the person we love we fail to recognize and appreciate the people who love us. We miss out on so many beautiful things and simply because we allow ourselves to be enslaved by our own selfish concerns. Go for the man of deeds and not for the man of words for you will find rewarding happiness not with the man you love but the man who loves you more.
--------------------------------

The best lovers are those capable of loving from a distance far enough to allow the person to grow, but never too far to feel the love deep within your being. To let go of someone doesn’t mean you have to stop loving, it only means that you allow that person to find his own happiness without expecting him to come back. Letting go is not just setting the other person free, but it is also setting yourself free from all bitterness, hatred, and anger that keep in your heart. Do not let the bitterness scare away your strength and weaken your faith, and never allow pain to dishearten you, but rather let yourself grow with wisdom in bearing it. You may find peace in just loving someone from a distance not expecting anything in return.

But be careful, for this can sustain life but can never give enough room for us to grow. We can all survive with just beautiful memories of the past but real peace and happiness come only with open acceptance of what reality is today. There comes a time in our lives when we chance upon someone so nice and beautiful and we just find ourselves getting so intensely attracted to that person. This feeling soon become a part of our everyday lives and eventually consumes our thoughts and actions. The sad part of it is when we begin to realize that this person feels nothing more for us than just a friendship. We start our desperate attempt to get noticed and be closer but in the end our efforts are still unrewarded and we end up being sorry for ourselves. You don't have to forget someone you love. What you need to learn is how to accept the verdict of reality without being bitter or sorry for yourself.

Believe me, you would be better off giving that dedication and love to someone more deserving. Don't let your heart run your life, be sensible and let your mind speak for itself. Listen not only to your feelings but to reason as well. Always remember that if you lose someone today, it means that someone better is coming tomorrow. If you lose love that doesn't mean that you failed in love. Cry if you have to, but make it sure that the tears wash away the hurt and the bitterness that the past has left with you. Let go of yesterday and love will find its way back to you. And when it does, pray that it may be the love that will stay and last a lifetime.

Listen to your heart. Even though it's on the left side, it's always right.

Im Only Human

So this past week ive been either excited or not caring about my birthday coming up, I mean it is just another day and it is just another number. Sometimes I dont see whats significant about it since nothing special really happens that day. To be honest ive tried making it special and this year I kind of wanna make it special again only because its a new decade, might as well try something new for myself and not worry if people will make it special for me. But then again, it would be kind of lame throwing a party for myself or asking people to join me or so. Heh I kind of dont care even though its my lucky number ive been told numerous times "Its just another number" I dont get why I should be happy about it after all these past years as ive stated its just another day.

I want to make it special for myself but for once again I kind of wanna see if anyone else but me will try to do something for me.
"It feels like the heavens had been giving me signs that all pertain to you. However, today was not a sign, but a warning. Maybe it is God's way for making me realize that the feeling of dying inside is different from death itself. I can still cope.

And it is better to die a little inside because I have the chance to fix the situation, if anything. "

Im only human, I cant always talk, I cant always be interesting, I cant always have something to say, But I can say I can try. No ones perfect in my opinion. I keep getting these thought of just stop trying and give up cause I know deep down nothings going to happen. I wonder if these are one of those things were 2 people will like each other but it doesnt go any where and they both move on. If this is the case,I dont see myself trying anymore only because im not happy with myself. Im not happy with how I am. Ive always been trying to change that but I keep being told take baby steps first or figure out whats really important for your benefit or even give the time to those who are worth your time if there giving you their time.

Im only trying to get close sometimes I improve. sometimes I fall. But isnt life supposed to be that way anyways? Theres always going to be a time for everything ive learned and im always going to tell myself good things come to those who wait. I will wait and see what life has to offer or come up tomorrow or even the next day. Ive set goals to accomplish and I feel held back from all my emotions I cant really express cause Ive forgotten how to. I mean its simple for me to say "hey I like you cause I think your smart cute and funny" but I already know you know that and I guess I feel limited to expressing how I feel about you. Or even in general with people around me, I just let things slide and just say what ever fuck it or even blow it off.

One of my past blogs I talked about watching Disney princess movies and to tell you ive been watching a lot of Disney movies and heh I still Learn somethiing from them that I didnt realize back then. So far my fav song from a Disney movie right now is between "Part of that world" or "Colors of the wind"

Heh Im only human to feel insecure, im only human to feel these annoying emotions no one wants to feel. But I cant help it sometimes. I should know when to stop and just leave it alone when it hurts but something keeps telling me its going to get better. But when? When I make the effort to make it better? If its not enough then I guess so, I have a dream, I have a wish, I have a list of things id like to do before I die, I know ill do it some day.

"You will be the answer to someone's happily ever after but it wont be in this one. "

Hmm I kind of see what your trying to tell me but I wanna just say IDGAF anymore and just blow off everything. But if I do then what next?

Sigh,,,,,,,,

Its ok to be single.

Birthday wishes/ideas

Wow turning 17, my some what "lucky number" haha end of this month I will be 17 heh. Wow I cant believe im more excited about this birthday this year than any other year yet some reason I have a feeling its going to be like all the other years where I could honestly care less. I guess whats significant this year is that 17 is my lucky number and hopefully something good will happen this year. Just hoping, another significant thing is im single. haha just kidding that not significant. Sigh im getting tired of cow dolls. Kinda wanting different things now so just in case no one knows what to get me I guess I could help haha.

Gift Cards from-
H&M
Aeropostale
Anchor Blue
Jamba Juice
Starbucks
Target
Or those visa ones

Other ideas
Sharpies(MULTIPUL COLORS PLEASE <3)
This jacket Medium in Charcoal or Black
http://cgi.ebay.com/Men-Stylish-Hoodie-Jacket-Shirt-Charcoal-SS306-Sz-M_W0QQitemZ260547920956QQcmdZViewItemQQptZUS_CSA_MC_Shirts?hash=item3ca9ddc43c

Food
Cookies
Brownies

Or Cash would be fine too need to pay for things

haha does that help anyone? hmm if so surprise mee x3

We are not afraid of love. We are afraid of rejection. Afraid to hear the word goodbye instead of feeling affection. Afraid that what we do is never enough. Afraid that we may experience one-sided love. Afraid of wasting years. Afraid of shedding tears. Afraid that our heart may shatter into a million pieces of pain. Afraid that we'll never be the same. Afraid of hearing surprising confessions. Afraid of unanswered questions. Afraid of being unsure. Afraid of losing something we worked so hard for

One of them rants for the moment

So lately Ive been cramming for midterms, there all this week and last week. Im kinda scared on what to get on them cause im at the point in grades where if I do good on a midterm I keep my good grades (OBVIOUSLY) and if I do bad my marks will go down. Sigh First semester just be be over already gosh -_-

Btw VOTE JENNY TRANG For Princess and Me for Prince :3

Hmm Have you ever had to lose a friend or best friend well technically you didnt have to just you decided to stay out of their lives cause you just strongly dont like their boyfriend or girl friend? Sure you can simply not acknowledge them but deep down wouldnt you feel like crap if you best friend couldn't confide in you with certain situations with their partner?

I felt bad but at the same time, I think I did whats best for me and him because I feel our friendship was just tied down cause I couldn't grow from the situation ive tried to not acknowledge him and I forget him some days but sometimes He pops up and its like gahh. Deep down I know your happy and I dont want to briing you and him down cause of me so I did whats best for both of us and let you guys be. It probably difficult for both of us knowing we had a great friendship and I considered you soome one very dear to me.

I guess im sort of sad that I cant confide in you anymore or talk about the things I would never talk about with any one else or even do some of the things I said I would do since were not friends anymore. Sigh

I guess I dont know what to think about this, I just want you to be happy. Heh im tired bringing you down so Id want you to be happy so I left and hope you can be ok.

Besides that,

On a side note, Im not sure what im wearing for ASB Ball the theme is Masquerade ball Im running for prince and also I wanna get my mask after I find out what im wearing, I think ill make my mask instead of buying one. Im pretty sure it will be bomb since hey its ASB Ball just ugh hope I get prince :D JENNY TRANG FOR PRINCESS :D

Ive been told "There's a time for everything" Yes indeed there is a time for everything but how much time is every one willing to give me. Hmm I sometimes wonder if I put more time into them than myself or them putting as much or some what enough time for me. Hmm well I guess you can say I tend to give and put a lot of time for people I care for and love. Heh For instance Rhealyn one of my best friends heh there are days where I will give her all my time cause I know within time she will do the same.

Kind of funny when I refer to rhealyn cause I consider her like a older sister. Heh I treat her like one too :3

Hmm so I have this crush. Ive been crushing on him for a while, and Were still talking but, I guess I wonder sometimes what he really thinks of me. I bad or good. In the past hes told me hes always thought good about me and that made me feel better but I guess as time goes I wonder what still happens in his head.

Hmm Him? what do I think of him? I think of him as this prince, like hes in a family of 3 and there all prince under a mighty king (haha over exaggerating much?) and hes the middle child, you hear a lot about the oldest one and a lot from the younger one but not much from him. But some reason I believe hes the one who's waiting for a good moment to where he can shine and make every one around him believe hes something more worthy than we thought.

Heh prince, you make me feel fuzzy sometimes, your there and you care when I go through my own drama cause im in highschool and your a high school graduate and heh. I still continue to wonder whats going to happen between us in the future, I still wonder whats going to happen. I guess one thing im afraid of is not knowing if your willing to stay or not.

I think im changing, I dont think im putting myself down so much from when you first met me to now, I think im growing strong and having more confidence in myself. I think so and I believe so. But do you see that?

Sigh 5 more months, till I see my 2 beloved girls graduate, Hmm I think Im going to make you girls a DVD :) heh something to remember me by if you girls plan to leave san diego.

Heh and that crush, Every day I turn the page to read something new about life, as well myself and you. I still would like to get to know you more and more, Hopefully I can :3 Im pretty sure there's still much more to learn about me but do you wanna stick around still. Heh Aishiteru :3

Seriously now back off

Has this ever happend to you?

Have you ever had a friend and then not become friends anymore for some reason and you havent liked them ever since the what ever situation? Have you ever had some one annoyingly adde all the guys or girls youve dated or like or talking to cause they wanna watch and see whats up with your life? Would it bother you even more if like you tried numerous times to show them you dont care about them and not wanna talk to them at all?

Ok so my case is every guy seriously every guy after the 2nd boyfriend ive had this guy that I strongly dislike has been adding and keeping contacts with every guy Ive dated or are talking too at that moment. Its really annoying cause its like yea sure I understand that we can talk to who ever we want too and associate with who ever we want buts its really annoying cause its like why do you always have to add and talk to the guys I talk to? Seriously is it not that clear that I dont want you to watch or care for me cause 1. were not friends 2. I dont see why my life is so important to you that you have to watch for my life or what ever 3. cause also your taken and sure u may want to befriend the guy im with or currently talking to but your taken.

Another thing, do you not know how annoying you are to me? I dont like you, for some reason everytime I try to be friends with you, you seem to annoy me some how or tell me something that I could care less about like your bragging. For instance sure some one could get asked out like 10-20 or so times in 1 week or whatever by different guys but when you told me when I gave you your surprise present was it really necessary? It seemed like you were trying to brag. Ive been talking to a old friend of ours and we both agree that you havent changed much from when I met you.

Its kind of annoying that you try to keep up with mylife and your showing that our old best friend is so much important and you try to show it and its like seriously you annoy both of us.

Me because serioulsy why are you watching over me? Why do you care? Have I not made it clear that your annoying or that I dont want to be friends with you? Seriously every fucking guy I talk to or date you add them or want to talk to them. Im old enough to take care of myself sure I was stupid back then but shit sometimes people grow up and there not like that anymore.

It frustrates me because why? You dont talk to me, you dont try to talk to me, you dont keep in contact with me, you think were close friends or what ever but I serioulsy dont consider you a friend, a close friend, a best friend, a acquantance or anything. Your nothing to me. Your just some one else that can deal with their life themselves and not have me in it. Serioulsy theres so much I can say about how annoying you are to me, how frustrating it is that you add and talk to the guys I date or like and its like UGHH FUCK OFF your TAKEN LEAVE ME AND MY LIFE ALONE UGH

Heh I caught myself doing this today

6:50 am- Wake up your on my mind
6:51 am- Try going back to bed for a bit
6:52 am- Still on my mind
7:00 am- I lay awake thinking of you once again
7:01 am- I get ready
7:10 am- Arrive at Saturday school
7:15 am- Signed where to go first thing log on comp to check if your on
7:16 am- Wifi sucks at school for now
7:17 am- Think about reading the books I bought
7:18 am- Thinking about your lips and holding your hands
7:30 am- Wifi works now check to see if you were on again
7:45 am- you, you, you,you
8:30 am- Drawing my feelings out
8:45 am- Your in my heart
9:00 am- On my mind again



It's almost that time of year again, Valentines day. Not to excited for it though. It's almost ASB Ball at my school once again no date. Sorta ish had one last year but it turned out to be crappier than what I originally wanted to go down. Still had fun at last year's ASB ball. I dont know what to think of it honestly. This year wonder how its going to go down at ASB ball will I have more fun this year? Heh I honestly dont know kinda loosing touch with people I used to call friends. Dont know whats up with me this year to be honest.

Ive been thinking a lot about you lately, its sometimes good sometimes sad and most of the time lovely actually. I still remember what you told me about psychology and I think about it every now and then. Something we didnt have as a child we may seek for it for the rest of our lives till we find it. Heh I think about that a lot. The love and affection and attention, something that wasnt there much growing up. I guess I can finally agree with you about what I think about love being so noble. I like you a lot, more than I expected to.

Ive been reading one of my friends tumblr about her watching disney movies and she quoted

"I don’t blame the kids that were born from 2000 and up but I am talking about the 1990’s and even the 1980’s we grown up with Walt Disney’s movies, since we were at a young age I don’t believe we understood the moral to the story as many times we have watched it beside the happiness when obtaining “Love”. I guess that is the reason people are rushing into a relationships now a days since it had looked very simple from the movies. However, I don’t think we have recently watched the Walt Disney’s movies, if we did then there would be a better understanding to the moral of the story with the knowledge that we have now." - Jenny Trang

Love is fascinating, I kinda wanna watch the disney movies again. Heh my favorite princess movie would have to be The Little Mermaid. Like how she can relate to Princess Jasmin from The Aladdin, I find myself relating to Ariel the most. I probably will watch some of them tomorrow since I havent seen them in such a long time. I dont know what ill start with but I know I'll watch The Little Mermaid for sure. Hmm another interesting thing Jenny pointed out in her tumblr
"It is as if they have forgotten the reason they were with each other in the first place, the butterflies, the warmth, and the happiness lit on their face at the sight of their mate. Lately, people are growing up without looking back into their childhood."

Break ups over a small argument is kinda sad. Back to what my original train of thought now....

So theres this guy, Ive been talking to him for quite a while now and I could say, I like him a lot. I feel fuzzy when he says things like "babe" out of no where or "I love you" I dont know how much deeper the things between me and him can go but all I know is heh im starting to fall in love with him. Kinda scared though. I think of him to much and sometimes I wonder if im trying to hard and I get disappointed at myself. I guess cause hes the biggest thing that goes on as of now. I honestly cant tell you if anything is going to happen between me and him.

I think about him and it makes me happy. But I sometimes wonder if anything can happen. I guess what im also trying to point out is Kinda scared to fall for the guy hes sweet, charming, cute, adorable (especially when he wears this white jacket I think he looks like a teddy bear and i just wanna hold and squeeze him x3) intelligent and he has dreams.

I like it a lot when a guy has dreams to become something or want to do something to not only better for himself but to better for others as well. I look up to him as a inspiration. Funny Last guy that gave me inspiration was about 2 maybe 3 years ago? Everytime something bad happens I could just hear him saying "Shit happens" and I guess I get over the crap or what ever that goes on that day or time faster cause hes right shit does happen I shouldnt dwell to much or what ever. I knew this before but I guess cause I look up to the guy when hes told me about his crap and him getting over it. Especially some of the deep things that has happened in his life.

hmm even now I still think about him. I get happy when I see him and I get sad when I cant talk to him but I can manage cause Sure were not dating but I guess I can only manage cause im truly the only one who can take care of myself. Theres a new saying that came in my head that my brother told me about "Ill take care of myself for you if you take care of yourself for me" hmm I guess Im trying to apply that to myself now, Sure we can take it to the next step were we can take care of ourselves and each other but were not even going out and I know he can take care of himself.

Heh I love how as im writing this you keep popping in my mind. Heh hmm contemplating if i should get orange juice or not :P

New updates

So life has been, hmm what can I sum it up to in one word?

Suckishhh.

Today had a performance had a solo played it pretty well im proud of myself. But other than that

Life

Just

Sucks :\

Star light Star bright, I wish I may I wish I Might

The heart that used to bleed the love youve given me, was once here happily standing and lifted up high to show everyone its shine, its like a star you said, a star you want to protect cause its shine is like no other. Its grown and grown shining brightly in the night sky until one night I was falling, with you to be no where around and I kept falling until I bursted into pieces. I wasnt no longer that shining star that used to light up the night sky. Ive became a dust trail to what ive become now. Follow my trail of dust, and pick up the pieces that remain. Its dark and cold and I need your warmth. Inside me is my lonely heart that was once in the night sky brightly shining. I am no longer that star that can shine, Once was something, Once was beautiful, for now I am no longer nothing in the sky just nothing.