I seriously cannot believe I wasted so much time on you

There's a subject that's been on my mind for quite awhile now. I can't help but think about it but at the same time im super pissed about it. Ive already vented about it to Andre and Robbie and any one else ive spoken to about you. But I guess im not over the fact that im so pissed at myself for wasting my time with you. Honestly really now. I know its been a few days since we have talked but im glad we don't talk anymore. You were seriously my biggest regret. I hate having regrets. Its annoying to have regrets cause well to me I just hate having regrets you know?

Trust me when I say im very upset and pissed at you. You wasted my time you took me for granted you treated me like shit you lied to me you used me you barely made me happy you talked to me like I was your property you talked to me like I was your bitch you cheated on my 3 fucking times. Seriously out of every one Ive dated I never expected that from you especially the 3rd time. Fuck and talking to me like im your property or like im your bitch? Who the fuck are you for thinking you have so much power over me? I just seriously wanna scream at you for making me the biggest fool in the world. I seriously can't believe we lasted for 437 fucking days. I never thought I would regret it but I do. I remember saying I wont regret it but shit I do. Im pretty sure we did have some good days but over all I can only remember how hurt I was, How much I cried by myself. How much shit I did just for you.

All the shit I ever done for you, I hate how I spent more time on you than you ever did for me. You even said "I can't give you a %100 all the time" shit that hurt. Ugh im just so angry. I wanna cuss you out I wanna stoop down to your low level so you can see how it feels to be hurt. Seriously I spent so much fucking money on you that I never been able to spend on myself. Sending you shit buying you shit. What did I ever fucking get from you? NOTHING!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Not 1 penny did you ever spend on me. I fucking bought you a Web cam,3 sunglasses, a necklace, my camera that was brand new, a leather hat, a stupid book and so much other shit. UGH im so frustrated with you. YOUR THE BIGGEST HELL THAT HAPPENED IN MY LIFE. I seriously haven't been pissed at some one this much since 8th grade.

I love how you say you've changed you don't do drug your a better person. If you seriously changed it would of shown. In stead of talk how about doing. Seriously your all talk that's why I think your shit. I also love and I mean LOVE the fact you say you don't smoke or do drugs and what the fuck do you do? You fucking take a picture of your self smoking a cigarette and posting it on myspace. how stupid are you? Seriously every time I hear from you or speak to you or just even think about you I lose focus cause your stupidity rubs onto me and I just get as retarded at you are. Its crazy to think that happens but shit. Your stupidity rubs onto me and ugh I just dont need that.

I love your best friend even told me that I spoiled you. I regret spoiling you. Also I became friends with one of the girls you cheated on me for and you treat her just what ever also and you even lied to her? What the fuck dude? I know that was long ago but I don't know if I could ever forgive you. Ive even spoken to her recently and Ive asked if shes talked to you and she said "hes the same old same old" Fucking liar dude you've change? I also love how when you talked to me you say the word "FUCK or FUCKING" every sentence you speak. Sometimes you even say it after every other word. Seriously now grow the fuck up.

You also say ive changed for the worse and you still wanted (want"ED") me. Honey, this is the way I have been and I was never ever comfortable to be normal when I talked to you cause I just didn't feel comfortable. I always felt like I couldn't be me cause you never liked it so I was some one different for you, no one else but you cause you couldn't accept me for who I was. Don't say you have cause honestly no you haven't. I hate swearing in my blogs but shit I really wanna cuss you out cause im just so pissed. 437 wasted days. I understand everything happens for a reason, but dam Ive learned a lot and Im glad this happened cause now I know what a dick you are.

Don't ever complain how much your life sucks cause honestly you made my life suck worse than your life will ever suck. I still can't believe we both had my (MY) best friend jade in the middle. I felt terrible after it all happened. God I still owe her the world for putting up with the shit we gave her. Seriously I cant think Im just so pissed at you. After this blog after I post this. I seriously hope. I PRAY that you will be out of my life for good. Out of my mind for good.

You were seriously my biggest regret and mistake in life. But you know what Im glad it happened because like I said I got to know how much of a dick, how much a douche, how low of a person you are. Ive learned from it. Hope you have a good life. Good luck in life cause you honestly need it.

"I decided to start a new chapter of my life without you I believe that it is for the better."

Selfishness or Insecurities?

Its been a while since I last blogged. I have to say that ive been very busy with spirit week with learning dances preparations making posters etc. Its been a stressful week but Congrats to Class of 2010 for winning cause your seniors. Ohh well can't complain even thought I sort of want to. Heh.


So lately things have been rather I guess content but thankfully spirit week is over and all the drama and dancing and shit is over. You wont believe how much shit went on during spirit week. Any ways, Back to the main reason why I wanted to blog.

I can't believe how well ive been treated by my boyfriend. I honestly cant, then again there still so many days to come and see what else will happen in the future. Like what will come across us in the future. Ever heard the quote "Once one door closes another one opens" I have to say I strongly believe in that, ive been in and out doors with my boyfriend and its kinda scary to be honest. Cause I personally wanna continue opening and closing doors with him by my side. I guess I get so scared when things happen between us personally and when we talk it brings me down and I can see it brings him down and I can tell he wants to do his best to make everything ok.

"When I smile, he smiles, when I laugh, he laughs, when I talk, he listens, when I'm mad, he apologizes and those are only a few of the reasons why I love him."

I guess its the fact my past comes in my head since I haven't been treated so well in a LONG time. Heh its amazing. Sometimes I feel like im to persistent into finding out what hes doing or so. I guess its also scary when he talked to other people. When it comes down to thinking about those things I get scared and honestly he's been doing a wonderful job at proving me wrong about what I think. I guess I just get jealous when he's talking to some other boy and I guess I get more than curious to know what there talking about.

I trust him, I trust him not to do the things ive been through in the past. Heh thinking about the past makes me think ugh....will he be like them? Then again I have to remember every ones different, give this a shot and face your fears maybe things will be different. I believe things will be different. Its a struggle I personally have to face but I wanna see what's going to happen.

"I told myself it was okay to smile and okay to laugh, and suddenly I found I was able to tell myself it's ok to cry"

I don't remember being treated so well its amazing. Its getting to the point where Im afraid to loose him more than ever. Each and every day is another day of growth in this relationship and im willing to do what ever it takes to make it work.

"It's completely impossible to find a guy who won't ever hurt you, so go for the guy who will make the pain worthwhile"

I sometimes think about my past relationships, and honestly I cant say how proud I am on being able to get through them. They were difficult for me honestly. I just hope this one is not going to become another one also. Every ones different I believe.

Its not like I want to be the only guy in your life. I just want to be the only one that matters.....

So for this weekend

Chat,

Eat,

Sleep,

Perform,

Wast life away.

Wow.... Lame huh?

"sometimes good things
fall apart so better things
can fall together"

Please ohh baby don't go,

I feel used, I feel miss placed. Every thing happens for a reason, yet again this had to happen. Of course I have hopes not so high tried seeing what was going to happen either way. Weather it was good or bad even though, it ended bad.

You know its fine, Im not worth it I guess. Heh I hate putting myself down but I can't help but acknowledge that maybe I was never worth it to begin with. I mean If I was worth it wouldn't we have been together still? I can't believe I even had hope, I seriously should of known instead of hoping and thinking about this all day but you know what I expected it honestly. Its fine. I know that I was just some one to make you happy in the mean time while he was away. I bet so that's what it was.

Come on now 5 times? 5 chances? After all hes done now? seriously. He must of been worth it then. Heh he's lucky to have a guy like you. Again and again, I will always fight but I guess no one will ever fight for me. Heh seems that way. I mean honestly with friends and family. Heh im such a crybaby. I guess being alone isnt so bad. I mean sure its lonely but you know this also gives me a chance to just do things that I want to do individualy with out having to replpy on any one else to do it for me.

I guess its just meant to be this way. I don't know how im supposed to feel. I cried it all yesterday. Heh pre tears I guess? I still can't believe I wasn't worth it to you. Heh he's so lucky. It's hard to accept all the words that were said. I guess they were just sweet words. A dream, a dream that was just so unreal. yet.....it was real.

"My life consist of heart break and heart ache"

I Dont know why im even bothering to even do anything.... Why should I fight when in the end again ill just be fucked over. shit I hate feeling worthless and hopeless. I know countless times ive said do something about it but shit how many times do I have to do something for it to work?
I should just stop caring heh. Why should I put myself and give something my all when im not going to get anything in return. I guess ugh I dont fucking know anymore.

Its my fault for even getting attatched.

"Story Of My Life"


"I Kind of knew you were going to be an important person

to come into my life and leave"

I wonder if it was all a cover up to make me feel of and to get me through the night, I wonder.

So today?

So today,

I honestly had a ok day, Very slow day I must say, didnt really do much. Could of worked on HUSH home work but apparently my lazy ass didn't. Had a good talk today with Robbie. I was really glad I talked to him about certain thing's and being able to understand him more and learning more about him just by simply asking. I mean communication is the key in every relationship. Whether its a friendship or a relationship. Its all about giving and taking too. I mean friendship wise both people gotta make a effort if they wanna be friends. I mean if not both some one has to start some where for the friendship to build into what ever you hope it would be.

Relationship wise. I wanna summazire it up with this video. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPJV5NKVUuY

ahh thats all for now kinda coughing a lot cant really speak and not much on my mind right now.


Shit. I Fucking Love you Robbie Kincaid. <3 and its the best feeling ever

Simply bliss

Today's horoscope for Pisces-

"Even if you have doubts about your recent choices, you are hopeful that things are in the process of turning around. Your patience is an asset, for you have the ability to hold on to an idea and wait until the resistance begins to wane. Although your sensitivity can be problematic now, you don't have to buy into the negativity around you. Concentrate on the positive potential of the moment, rather than worrying about what could go wrong. "

Its pretty interesting that that was my horoscope today and it did happen. or things that happened today revolves around this horoscope. I find it pretty interesting to be honest but I can say im like speechless about today. I just wanna take time and explain how wonderful it was today. I have wonderful news for every one who reads my blogs. Im happily taken by him again <3 All the patients and tears and waiting was worth it in my opinion. I tried my best to keep myself up no matter what happened and look what happened were together again.

"This time im not letting you go" ugh I was just so happy to see those words. Prove me wrong about what you say. Cause honestly im still willing to do what ever it takes ti make this work. Im Ronald Kincade :3

"If I can use whatever is left in the sky before the night falls to create a picture that will convey my feelings for you, I will. I never expected anything from you in return but just this once, please look up. "

I honestly dont know what to say or write im still speechless from earlier today.

Its still just bliss 11/6/09 <3

I find this rather interesting

So yea....
I like my answers a bit.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Just something out there

Objective
-Plans for spring break
-Cake decoration
-My hair
-Just what else can I say?

You know what I find interesting? I find that I like planning ahead of time for future events, to make sure things go well for what ever plan I want to do in the future. This spring break from March 29-April 2nd I plan to spend all that time with hopefully Robbie. Or hopefully I can call him Boyfriend again before that time. I might even be there longer from the 27th to April 2nd. Id like to spend a whole week with him up there. Just the only problem is is plane ticket. Ive spoken to my mother about going but like Ive mentioned the only problem is a plane ticket. Im determined to make $400 by late December or early January. Im very determined to do so.

Im kind of scared to be honest, I want him in my life just afraid from my past mistakes and past crappy things ive done to get back at me. I strongly believe in Karma and im not to happy from what ive done, well all I can say is well have to see what happens next and be ready for what ever happens.

Another thing on my mind is cakes for a few of my friends. Ive very happy to say I did a wonderful job for my first time making a 3 layer cake for a dear friend of mine Rachelle, I plan to have a picture up of the cake up soon and if not some time in the near future ill be sure to have it up when I make the next cake for another friend Armyn. Just expanding my knowledge with baking and decorating since its pretty fun in my opinion.

Ive also just been afraid to admit that im kind of scared of baking cause out of all my brothers and I, I just started to get better at cooking and baking. Im annoyed at the fact my brothers compare to me with cooking since theyve had more experience than me. Kind of not fair. I also have to say I started baking cause of Robbie.

Cause of him, he has an idea of having his own resturaunt some day and I wanna help participate in the dessert menu or some where on the desert menu at least. I dont know I find his ideal job to be interesting and unique. Not something I would go into just something I would like to have an experience in with.

He still makes me smile and happy inside despite the fact that there are a few minor things thats holding myself back to fully express myself to him. Heh just 16 still searching for that great guy. I have a feeling ive found him. Just scared to loose him now. Ive once learned long ago, when you find some one whos really precious to you just hope for the best between you and hold on to it as best as you can to make it last forever.

Mehh my hair is blahh, I wanna do something with it. I have an idea just dont know when im going to do it. I love how I planned to do something new every month but I have nothing for november yet. I guess for september was just straight hair and have it how ever I cut it over the summer and in october I kept my hair curly. Now its november kinda wanna bleach a few parts or so. Idk yet coon tails?

Mmm how am I today so far I was just ask? Well I can say I feel content just still hoping today will be a bomb ass day cause its not half way done yet. I still hope to talk to robbie on the phone later hopefully I can. But will have to see.

"The least you can do is thank the person who cares about you or return the favor. It is like an object that you continue to overuse without being aware that objects, such as machines, must be cleaned to work efficiently. Do not wait for the time when things like this do not work for you anymore when you need it the most. You will be surprised that how you treat your things can somehow connect with how a person affects your life."

Is it my luck or is it supposed to be this way?

I have to say my weekend was just bliss. I can't explain how much I enjoyed my weekend. All I can say for sure is that I really dont remember being this happy in such a long time. I know ive been happy before but I don't recall ever smiling this much crying inside much of happiness and its just my god what happened this old me? Well not the bad old me the old me that was carefree of all this drama and just be like what ever.

I know what happend heh, I grew up and became mature and still learning and growing as a person. I don't know what else to say about my weekend ohh I can say I wish it didnt end. It's seriously my favorite weekend. I love how im being repetative in this blog im just so happy.

"The gift of happiness belong to those who unwrapp it"

Him, he makes me so happy. I feel loved I feel lucky. I just can't believe that it will be a while again till I speak to him. I miss him, I miss his voice, I miss his giggles, I just wanna tell him how much I love him and how much life means to live with him. wow the moment he said RMK made me die of happiness inside. I really cant explain how much I cant wait to go see him for 5 maybe 7 days when spring break comes. I know im so excited. I just ugh can wait.

Aishiteru Robbie Joseph Kincaid <3
I Love You Robbie Joesph Kincaid <3