Love

"Love is everything its cracked up to be...it really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. "

Its been A while

Its only been a few days since I've last blogged. Ive been trying balance myself out yet once again, since ive been constantly reminded on how unlucky ive been for such a long time. But honestly its ok that ive been unlucky, one day ill get my turn and ill be able to get the chance and be like so many people who get to share fascinating stories on their happiness. Im happy for the most part, but being around so many friends who are in relationships kinda make me feel lonely.

You know im pretty amazed at myself that I seem to always get bad luck with guys and to be honest the last guy I dated was honestly the best guy ive ever dated, I appreciate every thing we had and everything that has happen. So what if it was only a short amount of time being together. I can honestly say those 25 days were the best days of my life so far and maybe some day ill get my chance again with him or some one better or I dont know honestly. Kinda bummed out about that.

Also these past few days have honestly been blehh. Meaning Ive been like so bipolar and im only really happy when I talk to him. I mean a simple hello txt from him makes me sooooooo happy, but at the same time I get sad when theres no replies or anything. Ive noticed i have drawn many doodles and many sketches of him and I being together just cuddling and just smiling and laughing, but then once im done I realize that im not with him anymore and it really sucks honestly. Im sending him some of the drawings still since he wants them.

It makes me happy to know that he still wants them. I appreciate that some one actually wants my drawings.

do you believe in the saying “you first have to lose something until you can fully appreciate it”?

In my opinion, yes sometimes I fail to realize how much something is worth until I realize that it is gone. Some times I already appreciate what I have and I constantly remind myself how thankful I am to have this or them in my life. Ive lost friends and even past relationships that I didn't want to lose I lost them and I miss a few of them. Especially my most recent one. I feel so natural with him and I could just be myself and its crazy that we have so much in common and we talk a lot. Ive never had that in a relationship before.

I even gave him my very first cow doll and Im glad he has it and still supposivly sleeps with it.

Ive just been really frustrated with myself and its just driving me crazy inside. Some how it comes off as me looking sad and im tired of people saying I dont wanna see you like this and im sorry but Im trying to be strong and smile and have a good time myself but I just can't since so much is in my mind so many questions to ask so many things to just say. I sometimes think about just going up to him and saying how much it hurts and just scream and cry since ive just been holding it in.

Ive always appreciated these people but I seriously never knew it would come down to me saying that I miss them dearly and it makes me wanna cry since ive been holding it in lately since I have literally no one to speak to about this since when I want to speak it no ones there and when im given the chance to its blank.

I appreciate my best friend Jade but we've been so distant I feel like im loosing her. I appereciate my brother that passed away. I always knew I lived in a house full of strangers but were family and him not coming home any more is like still bizarre sometimes cause I have those days where I think "ohh yea hes not coming home anymore" and then there's Robbie, I get so excited to hear from you, I get so happy when I get a text from you. It makes me happy to know that your still there, and ill be seeing you some day just now it feels like were drifting and I honestly don't ever want that to happen between us.

Ive lost a great amount of people in my life and I don't wanna lose you and its just surly there's some one else out there but I haven't gotten to the point where I can accept that yet since we still talk. Sure some one else can be there for me just as much as you have and maybe it maybe even better, its just for now, I still want a us and another chance. I hope to get that chance some day. Im sure we both can find some one better or so but when you think about it, you really cant replace those old memories you once had if them.

"I've never had the chance To kiss your beautiful lips
To hold you tight all day To run my fingers through your hair
Or talk to you till the sun comes up My mind says this won't be so
But my heart knows different Someday I will do these wonderful things
And never let you go No matter how long it takes
No matter how many tears it makes I will see you Kiss you And hold you

Until the end of time"

I know your out there, maybe ive met you? Maybe ive never met you yet and we shall soon meet some day. I don't know who you are, maybe I do. Life is full of surprises. And I just cant wait to find out who you are some day. One day though right? That special person who I hopefully can make their lives just as amazing as they may make mine. <3

Note For All Guys

It frustrates me to the max when guys say stuff and make you feel all special and then couple days later break your heart. I mean seriously now I am seriously not getting any of this shit. Ok so I have given many guys all that I can give and show them how much they mean to me if they show me that side and that I mean something to them then I fall for you. But dont take advantage of it. Dont use me cause thats not cool. "Affection towards one another" ok I get that whole affection towards one another, but honestly why even bother in my opinion, Seriously get to know your self before you go out with me. Also fuck relationships, every guy ive gone out with I honestly feel like Ive done more for them than any of them have ever done for me and honestly its not so great anymore.

I mean I go out with a guy they fuck me over for some one else or ignore me cause they dont know how to handle a situation. I mean in my opinion its simple, TALK IT OUT, have some ballz to talk have some respect for one another and talk about it instead of being a dick about it. Sure in some cases it may not be like that but instead of being an asshole be straight up. It sucks but seriously now suck it up and move on.

I seriously hate letting guys get to me, I delt with that 5 times already I seriously dont needa do that again for this one cause honestly I want my future to be fucking bright and I know it will be. I hate guys who are selfish. For once dont think about yourself and think about the other person. Try being in their position first and listen to what they have to say. Then again most people cant cause they dont have the ballz to. Seriously now.

And seriously dont say you want some one more than you want ur current boyfriend cause honestly thats fucked up. Cause then thats sad to say for your partner and its not fair to you and your just wasting his or her time and your time. It may not seem that way but honestly it is wasting both of you guyses time. I mean its great to have some one but honestly I can make my dreams come true on my own. I dont need some one I really dont sure Ill feel lonely. But fuck it, I doubt any one will prove me wrong on what I could think about them. Seriously now guys leave me alone dont try anything. I mean I strongly believe that so many of you guys at this age have not matured. If you have prove me wrong of what I think about so many guys. Seriously so many of you guys (heh id say dicks and douches honestly) are not worth crying over or getting so pissed over. Im done with that phase.

"I have loved to the point of madness; that which is called madness, that which to me, is the only sensible way to love."
—Francoise Sagan.

Soon To Be Winter

Just a few days till October ends. Fall is soon to be over then winter is coming. Winter has always been my favorite season. Its the season to togetherness. Its also getting close to the time where I get into my sweat pants and big T-shirts, Time for those hot cocoa mugs and containers to come out to bring to school. Heh I love the family get togethers we have. I say its great cause its finally the time we should all be together to celebrate the seasons. Pull out a holiday dvd to watch with the family. Like a family movie or having family dinners and opening Christmas presents. You know, some people feel bitter about the winter season cause its also known as "Cuddle season" the time to cuddle up with some one for warmth and enjoy the holiday season to be comforted with. Thats nice to have honestly but I dont need that its nice to have it but its still just nice to just have the big family together. One day ill have that opportunity to share a holiday season with. For now while I can. Ill spend it with my family cause thats what matters most. Especially when the family is laughing and enjoying just relaxing before the final day of the year ends and the brand new start of a new year. New opportunities. Can't wait for the wine and apple cider and turkey to be out.

Its soon to be the season of love, When the cold is the warmth of love in the air.

"And to be honest, I’m afraid that you’ll be another important person to me that leaves. I’m afraid that soon enough, everything will disappear. I’m afraid i’ll lose you."

Let me tell you one thing

"The night gives me temporary dreams just like how being alive with you is also temporary."

Your Worth It, But Am I?

"I know you’re trying, everyone who knows what your trying to do can see that. But you can try your hardest and never be rewarded, or at the least, acknowledged for every ounce of heart you put into the situation. It’s as if your running after something, you can run as fast as your legs take you .. but soon, you’ll see that your running after something that isn’t running after you."
-NCC

Its Pretty interesting to me whats been on my mind these few day. Im kinda of bummed out that were like this. I Do want an us. But how much do you want it? I mean I want to keep showing and running to show that your worth it but how much am I worth it to you? I mean, Do I really have a chance? I mean the future is something we enter and create, its sometimes scary cause we dont know what could come happen next.

“There’s always going to be that one guy. The one whom you fight with constantly and drives you completely insane. The one who knows just what to say to piss you off beyond reason one minute and then have you laughing hysterically the next. The one who knows you inside and out and knows about your imperfections, but he doesn’t care because he loves you anyway. The one whom you can hang out with, doing nothing and still have a good time. The one whom you cry to after something bad happens. The one who’ll tell you everything will be okay and you know it will be because he said so. And most importantly, he’s the one who will always love you no matter what happens and you know what? You’ll always love him too.”
-Anonymous

As I read this, who else would appear in my mind but you? Even though you may be the only thing on my mind some times its great sometimes it makes me feel happy cause I think about an us, Though it frustrates me with whats going on, you still put up with me. Honestly thank you.....thank you for everything and more.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

-Bob Marley

I really love the fact were both from the same world, Funny isnt it? I mean we go through day by day wondering what the other person could be doing and we miss each other Or I know I miss you, I miss Having our late conversations at night and I could stare out my windows at the stars. Sometimes its beautiful and to be honest, it feels rather lonely. In a short amount of time that you have given me, You have given me more than I could ever ask for. Im stuck and I cant stop at smiling at what we had cause they were just amazing and great. I Cant get mad at you for your flaws cause I see past that. How can we get to know you if I dont even give you the many chances that I think you deserve. And you know what I wanna tell you, no ones perfect and no one will ever be. Every one is going to see every one differently but it only matters to those who matter most to you. To me you matter a lot. I don't want to hold a grudge against you. I mean why should I? Its not something major. Sure you've hurt me, but you know what ive learned from my bestie? "Sometimes your going to hurt those you love"

Will my efforts be worth it? will I get the chance to ease down and not get so worked up into proving to you and just ease down. But our famous quote "Prove me wrong" heh Ill prove you wrong but will you do the same? Im learning from my past mistakes and I don't want to repeat them with you cause your to precious in my eyes. To me your like, A Diamond, Perfectly cut in my eyes,extravagant and beautiful, Simply... bliss. I Love you more than health, happiness here or here after.

Heh im the kind of guy who puts all he can in. The guy you will see stores constantly looking at the hair products they have. Im the kind of guy who wants to give you his all and even more than I can give. I play video games I sing I Dance I some times just lay around and listen to music and just draw. I just started liking the cullinary arts. I wonder if thats because of you. A chef as a career. Im impressed, I got into baking because of you. Maybe if we are together I can make the desert menu and you can make the rest. I sometimes walk alone bump into things trip and fall and sometimes say blah when I cant speak, but that clumsy person is just in me. I act the way I act around you cause I feel my most natural around you. I can relax and be like fuck putting a face in front of every one. I just feel more at ease with you. Im just the type of guy who believes that tomorrow is always going to be better and if not the next day will. Theres always a tomorrow. Im also the guy that believes in love. I mean hey Love will find a way. Love is love and thats the beauty of it.

Before you judge me,
Before you say you know me,
Figure me out cause im still figuring it out myself.

Im trying to show that im being a better person. Sure I have my flaws but see past that maybe I can be some one great to you. Im only trying to be a better person for myself. I wont impress any one . If I seem impressive to you I guess you see that if not then I could simply be another guy to you.

Sometimes I just feel so far away from everything I want, and so incapable of being everything I was meant to be.

"All that I am, All that I hope to be, is all because of you."
-RMC